It started out really good. Helping my girl driving and taking her to work. Hanging out with her. Being nice, calm, understanding, and trying to be comforting. Yet as I did that it made it worse. As she was upset about family earlier. And it seemed like whatever I tried made it worse. Like a downward spiral that dragged me with it.
I try and be nice, I try and be kind, i try and be understanding, yet
from one that is in my heart i get bitched at for being nice, kind,
understanding, and trying to comfort them. yes the main problem is
finding work right now, but still i am trying, but seems it is not good
enough for anyone anymore. I am so tired. I have tried to be in
relationships but seems every time i try i get kicked by the one i let
into the heart. why am i so dense to keep trying and hoping, these two
things should tell me it will never be, yet i keep trying and hoping
like on a merry go round and staying on it.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Is it that I am looking for something that I have missed? I know not, but this will be the last time trying. I am tired of the dancing around another persons emotional highs and lows without warning. I have tried to be understanding, nice, kind, and calm when around them. Yet get picked at and nagged at about the smallest things. And all the things I have done wrong and have made amends for and never done again keep getting brought back up. Almost pathologically to show that I am not good enough because of these things you have done. Yes mistakes are made, yes I apologize for them, yes I am human and therefor not perfect.
I am at a loss for what to do. And she gets upset because I am not being "manly" enough. The problem is I am stuck in between. I am courteous and kind to everyone. Yet she wants that independence to be herself that I do give her the space for. Then she wants me to act properly "manly". If I do she gets grouchy when I do, and when I do not.
Phrases I have never really understood...
Time is money.
Man up.
Be a man in a relationship.
Those three are the main that come to mind. The first I know originated with money and the acquisition of power and money. The second if we man up then were called picks or asses among other things. The third I have tried that and found that decisions that I make are crapped on no matter what I have decided it is not good enough. Again it falls onto these three things that usually are the contention between independent women and those that want to be catered too yet still be independent without the consequences.
My views are this...
Time is to be enjoyed.
Be yourself no matter what.
Be a partner not a slave or a master in a relationship.
The first for me is to enjoy you time you have because it is so short. Drama does not help in the least to make it better, it just makes it worse. Let go the anger of the supposed wrongs. Yes let it run its course, but not to the detriment of happiness. The second no matter what is happening just be yourself, because trying to be something else your not will come through no matter what you try and do to hide that. and the last one, if you cannot stand beside them in confidence that they will do the same then they are either wanting absolute control or wanting you to do everything without having to work at all.
I have re-read this several times and realizes I have made a mistake in posting it. I sound childish and petty. Gah! For that I am truly sorry. I was upset and wrote this and posted it when upset, which re-reading it I should not have done. I should have waited till I had had time to calm myself which would not have been long. But I did not wait, I posted it. This has irrevocably sundered what might have been. I know it was wrong, but emotions won out over reason on this post. I have no “excuse” but that. Which will seem an excuse to any who see it.
ReplyDeleteI try to shrug off most things that are or will cause being upset. On this I let my anger get the better of me, anger at myself, anger at life in general. But most of all anger at my own heart for being forgiving as I was writing it. This was a mistake to post I know that now more than ever, but it was done when upset instead of with forethought or reason. And again for that I do apologize.
I know it will have caused great problems for myself, I accept that for it was me that caused it by posting this. I know I do not deserve anything but ridicule and demeaning actions against me for this. I know I have lost that which means a great deal to me.
I am not very good with apologies as it took me four days to get this one written. But when pointed out to me that it was wrong, and by several people that did not know me. I did listen to all the people who have said it was, yet the one that mattered said nothing to me. Which showed that this apology is necessary and I was in the wrong for even thinking of posting it.
For the one it matters most, I sincerely apologize for this post, it will be removed and deleted once I know you have read this.
I also humbly beg forgiveness if that will ever be possible. If not then I understand and will not ask it again.
I have been instructed to leave this up as a lesson to myself to think before doing something.
ReplyDelete